transformation tuesday — and updates about my struggle with weight

full disclosure: I have never, ever participated in any sort of transformation tuesday post before, but there’s a first time for everything, right?

One of the things that really chaps me about bloggers is doing a large confessional post about something relatively serious with 0 follow-up. I’m always left wondering, “well, what happened next?”

After giving it a lot of thought, I figured it was high time I did an update on my battle with the scale. The truth right now? The scale is winning. Whether that’s a right-this-moment thing or a right-this-week thing is yet to be determined, but honesty is always the best policy and for right now, that’s the truth.

After I wrote my initial post, I got so much incredible feedback–good, bad and indifferent. In fact, many of you wrote that you struggled with the same issues or have had similar thoughts. I always knew I could never be alone, but it doesn’t make the struggle easier.

From that day, I knew I needed to put myself on a track to success, not just put a temporary band-aid on a hemorrhage wound. I started by planning out my meals, having check-ins with AMAZING friends about healthier snacks throughout the day and began running–all things I never even considered. I felt happier, stronger and more “fit”.

The post went live on February 28th and I continue to do all of the things that I just mentioned.

Except last week I made a fatal lapse in judgement at the gym. I stepped on the scale and was horrified to see that I had jumped from 134 to 140. I almost had a panic attack right in the center of the gym and had to leave immediately.

I went to the gym again yesterday only to realize I had jumped to 142. I wanted to puke. I came home immediately following and cried. And cried a little bit more.

The reality is that I know that working out and eating healthier options build muscle and muscle weigh more than fat — but that means nothing to me when I step on a scale and see a number flashing back at me that makes me feel inadequate.

If you’re reading this and just shaking your head, a small part of me is right there with you. I don’t understand why I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.

So where am I now? Somewhere between not wanting to eat and continuing to kill myself at the gym, which is probably one of the worst possible places to be. Every day, I continue to try and wake up with a positive attitude and the ambition to make each day the best it can be.
Your weight is truly just a number and I need to try and focus more on what I see in the mirror and less on what the scale tells me.

RELATED POSTS

  • I've struggled with an eating disorder for the better part of my life. The number one tool to a successful recovery that I found to be a game changer was very simple: BAN the scale. Don't own one, don't use one.

    You are not a number. Obsessing over a number will only drive you insane.

  • Ditto to the above! Couldn't have said it better. You are doing AMAZING and running like a banshee and gaining beautiful, strong muscles and THAT'S OKAY.

  • As someone who is facing the march of time and a scale that is slowly creeping upwards, I can 100% identify with your post. And I also know that you aren't fishing for compliments (because I think you are beautiful, but what is important is that you feel beautiful) but just expressing what is in your heart right now. I wish that I had some magic words to ease your anxiety about the scale. Hell, if I did – I would tell myself too! My only advice is – there will be hills and valleys with our weight. We just have to never give up. And give ourselves a little grace every now and then. 🙂

  • Girrrrrlllll…I know nothing anyone says can change how you feel about yourself BUT I'm going to go ahead and tell you what I think. You're GORGEOUS and I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat!

  • Amen, Screw the SCALE!!!! It does not matter…unless of course it says like 200 lbs, then you may want to take some concern! I've been doing a seven week challenge, (two weeks left), and let me just tell you, I've busted my a$$…like six days a week, hardcore, crossfit, kettlebell ampd (which if you haven't tried, find a class asap), zumba, you name it. On Saturdays I burn like 1200 calories in two hours. in five weeks I've lost like 3 lbs…that's it, and I've been eating right too!!! But I honestly don't care, because I feel better, I can tell my butt is lifting (holy squats batman..), I see definition in my arms, etc. One of the girls in my group has been really disappointed in her "scale" results, and last week, she went for her wedding dress fitting (four weeks out), and they ended up having to take 4 inches out of it!!! Holy non-scale win!!! Keep it up girl, and don't get discouraged, you look fabulous!! When I step on the scale it says 169…holy cow my ideal weight is 150…ugh…but i'll get there! Hopefully one day soon I'll start catching the ole blog up on all this stuff and transformation!

  • You look amazing. Continue trying to work on being fit overall (mind, body, spirit). That is true health.

  • numbers look different on everyone, you look GREAT! i totally hear you on the scale though, i know i shouldn't be worried about weight gain during pregnancy, but it's had not to feel alarmed as it creeps up! numbers are just numbers, right? right!

  • You are an amazing and beautiful woman! It is true, that the numbers on the scale really mean nothing, because muscle does weight more than fat. But, I understand. I've been there, I am there. All I care about is that damn number. YOU are doing the right thing by working out and eating healthy, and those numbers don't mean a thing as long as YOU feel good.

    Xo,L
    simplylowcountry.com

  • We can talk about this through text, but I have the same issues with gaining muscle and the number on the scale rising. I keep telling myself that STRONG is way more important than a number. (I also try to avoid the scale whenever possible, but I get that urge sometimes too.) And even more important – more muscle means you're burning more calories, even when sitting on the couch watching Netflix snacking on pizza.

    Regardless what the number says, you're beautiful, strong and an inspiration. Keep doing you.

  • I have been dealing with this too!! It makes me so sad & want to cry! Since January 2013 I have lost 28 pounds, but this year alone I have gained 7 of those pounds back. I know I haven't been working out like I was but I am determined to. We are going on a cruise in September & I want to FEEL good walking around in a bikini!

  • Jen

    I definitely put more into the number I see rather then what I see in the mirror. It's a constant struggle but I think you're doing great! A "bad" day at the gym or on the scale doesn't equal a bad life. 🙂

  • First off, I've seen tons of pictures of you in a bikini and you look great. Second off, you have to learn to love your body at EVERY weight or you will NEVER be satisfied because there is no such thing as perfect…even super models cry over an extra ounce. Third of all, you know not eating/overworking out makes you gain weight, so quit it. You are putting too much energy into these 'feelings' instead of making progress. I cut my workouts back and I've been able to maintain vs. yo-yo, and you probably need to cut out booze {or at least cut down} and get yourself on an eating schedule/food journal. I know everyone wants to drink all the time, but it really is the most counterproductive thing you can put in your body. It's empty calories, you feel bloated, and makes you depressed. I'm here for you girl!

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