A heavy heart

After yesterday’s blog post, I realized I had been so caught up in my life that I completely fanned the shot on my blog. I was so excited and so eager to share our photos with you all after so many had said they wanted to see them after a post a few weeks ago that I logged on this morning and my heart hung low in my chest once again. I had forgotten about that scheduled post.

On Monday, I talked about how my weekend was full of pits and peaks. I only talked about the peaks, because I think part of me wanted to change the pits so badly that I figured if I didn’t write about them–they weren’t true. If I didn’t ink them on the internet–it didn’t happen. But it did. And I think I’m finally ready to talk about it.

Dane and I cancelled our wedding.

Before you start getting upset (believe me, I am, too!), it’s not because we are no longer together. For reasons beyond our control, Dane will not be in the U.S. on our chosen wedding day. For his safety (and yours, too!), I’m not going to go into great detail on this, but I use the word cancelled because we don’t have a new date and we don’t know when we will.

Now, this is not a pity party post. It’s not a “woe is me” post, either. It’s a “this blog serves as an online journal and sometime down the road I’m going to want to remember all these raw feelings” post. And so here it is. My upset, angry, frustrated and heartbroken journal entry.

I’ve been talking to a lot of people in the past couple days (in between meeting with 2.456 million wedding vendors) and I’ve gotten a lot of perspective. Perspective I never wanted to get, but perspective nonetheless, and within my heavy heart resides a sector of gratitude for all of the love I’ve been getting. Beside that sector is the love and respect I have for Dane, the most amazing man, who I am truly blessed to have in my life.

The most important part in all of this for me has been recognizing that in the midst of what we both can only sum up as a wedding nightmare, I realized that there’s no other person I’d rather go through any of it with and I still want to spend forever and day with Dane–regardless of whether we have a piece of paper that says so or not.

It’s good we like adventures, because there’s always a silver lining in a
dark storm cloud, and we are so desperate to find it these days. I am so happy I get to spend this Memorial Day weekend with my better half in Hawaii; there’s no place I’d rather be.