An Update About My Struggle With Weight

full disclosure: I have never, ever participated in any sort of transformation tuesday post before, but there’s a first time for everything, right?

One of the things that really chaps me about bloggers is doing a large confessional post about something relatively serious with 0 follow-up. I’m always left wondering, “well, what happened next?”

After giving it a lot of thought, I figured it was high time I did an update on my battle with the scale. The truth right now? The scale is winning. Whether that’s a right-this-moment thing or a right-this-week thing is yet to be determined, but honesty is always the best policy and for right now, that’s the truth.

After I wrote my initial post, I got so much incredible feedback–good, bad and indifferent. In fact, many of you wrote that you struggled with the same issues or have had similar thoughts. I always knew I could never be alone, but it doesn’t make the struggle easier.

From that day, I knew I needed to put myself on a track to success, not just put a temporary band-aid on a hemorrhage wound. I started by planning out my meals, having check-ins with AMAZING friends about healthier snacks throughout the day and began running–all things I never even considered. I felt happier, stronger and more “fit”.

The post went live on February 28th and I continue to do all of the things that I just mentioned.

Except last week I made a fatal lapse in judgement at the gym. I stepped on the scale and was horrified to see that I had jumped from 134 to 140. I almost had a panic attack right in the center of the gym and had to leave immediately.

I went to the gym again yesterday only to realize I had jumped to 142. I wanted to puke. I came home immediately following and cried. And cried a little bit more.

The reality is that I know that working out and eating healthier options build muscle and muscle weigh more than fat — but that means nothing to me when I step on a scale and see a number flashing back at me that makes me feel inadequate.

If you’re reading this and just shaking your head, a small part of me is right there with you. I don’t understand why I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.

So where am I now? Somewhere between not wanting to eat and continuing to kill myself at the gym, which is probably one of the worst possible places to be. Every day, I continue to try and wake up with a positive attitude and the ambition to make each day the best it can be.
Your weight is truly just a number and I need to try and focus more on what I see in the mirror and less on what the scale tells me.