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An Update About My Struggle With Weight

Fitness · June 3, 2014 · 12 Comments

full disclosure: I have never, ever participated in any sort of transformation tuesday post before, but there’s a first time for everything, right?

One of the things that really chaps me about bloggers is doing a large confessional post about something relatively serious with 0 follow-up. I’m always left wondering, “well, what happened next?”

After giving it a lot of thought, I figured it was high time I did an update on my battle with the scale. The truth right now? The scale is winning. Whether that’s a right-this-moment thing or a right-this-week thing is yet to be determined, but honesty is always the best policy and for right now, that’s the truth.

After I wrote my initial post, I got so much incredible feedback–good, bad and indifferent. In fact, many of you wrote that you struggled with the same issues or have had similar thoughts. I always knew I could never be alone, but it doesn’t make the struggle easier.

From that day, I knew I needed to put myself on a track to success, not just put a temporary band-aid on a hemorrhage wound. I started by planning out my meals, having check-ins with AMAZING friends about healthier snacks throughout the day and began running–all things I never even considered. I felt happier, stronger and more “fit”.

The post went live on February 28th and I continue to do all of the things that I just mentioned.

Except last week I made a fatal lapse in judgement at the gym. I stepped on the scale and was horrified to see that I had jumped from 134 to 140. I almost had a panic attack right in the center of the gym and had to leave immediately.

I went to the gym again yesterday only to realize I had jumped to 142. I wanted to puke. I came home immediately following and cried. And cried a little bit more.

The reality is that I know that working out and eating healthier options build muscle and muscle weigh more than fat — but that means nothing to me when I step on a scale and see a number flashing back at me that makes me feel inadequate.

If you’re reading this and just shaking your head, a small part of me is right there with you. I don’t understand why I’m uncomfortable in my own skin.

So where am I now? Somewhere between not wanting to eat and continuing to kill myself at the gym, which is probably one of the worst possible places to be. Every day, I continue to try and wake up with a positive attitude and the ambition to make each day the best it can be.
Your weight is truly just a number and I need to try and focus more on what I see in the mirror and less on what the scale tells me.

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Kait Hanson, author of Communikait, a travel blog & Hawaiian lifestyle blog
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I'm Kait, the creative behind Communikait, a travel blog & Hawaiian lifestyle blog packed with loads of color and designed to inspire you to live your very best life. Whether you've come for recipes, travel ideas, photos of Hawaii or to simply say hello - I'm glad you're here!

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