How To Support Someone Through A Miscarriage

What is the best type of miscarriage support when someone you love shares they are experiencing a pregnancy loss?

I’ve gotten the same message a few times, always worded a little differently, but with the same sentiment: My friend/sister/co-worker had a miscarriage, how can I best support them?

Miscarriage Support: What Is Helpful?

I’ll be honest, everyone is different. There is no “one size fits all” approach to supporting someone through a pregnancy loss, but I’ll share what I respond, because normalizing this conversation has got to start somewhere.

After my first miscarriage, I distinctly remember standing in Target, crying in the pad/tampon/adult diaper aisle trying to figure out what size diaper I needed because the bleeding felt relentless, what brand was best for grown women (a diaper? At 31? FML), and all under a cloak of embarrassment.

It felt like salt in the wound. Through four consecutive losses I’ve learned the best support you can give is not asking what someone needs, or how you can help, but just doing it.

In the midst of navigating loss and all the complicated emotions that follow, it can sometimes feel like you’re burdening someone else to ask for help for things you should be able to do (cook, buy yourself diapers, etc), so it’s easier to just say “I will thanks!” when someone says “let me know what I can do!”

I have been so grateful for every level of support we have gotten (texts, emails, cards, DMs, meals, treats, flowers + so much more), but one of the greatest gifts has been the people who have let me talk in circles about the wide range of feelings I have as we close this chapter and explore what comes next, regardless of time of day.

Admittedly, lots of midnight texts have been happening as my brain processes, and not a single one of the people in my life have ever mentioned the time I send my texts.

I would encourage anyone looking to support a friend who is going through a pregnancy loss to just show up in whatever way feels comfortable. Also, Always Discreet.