Trigger Warning: This post discusses pregnancy loss and recurrent miscarriage.
This is a post I’ve started and stopped so many times, gone back and erased it nearly a dozen times, and then finally just decided to go ahead and start typing and see where it went. I just had my fourth pregnancy loss. Those words are really surreal to type, if I’m being honest, but the last 18 months have been a whirlwind of super high highs and the lowest of lows as we have navigated so much love and so much loss.
On Recurrent Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss
Our first three losses were in Hawaii and our fourth was here in the DC-area, which is darkly poetic since coming to this area to see specialty providers was a big silver lining of Dane taking the job. Best laid plans, right?
I’ll be even more honest and say that I never anticipated coming to my blog to share what was going on so personally, but if I’ve learned anything through all of this, it’s that finding a community in shared experience is what has carried me through this hellscape.
I have spent so many sleepless nights combing the internet to find people in any corner of the world who might have written about their story.
We fall into the weird space of infertility where we can conceive without issue, but carrying is the problem, so it feels like everyone and no one is talking about it all at once, which…often leaves me in this weird in-between mental space of “I’m doing this alone” but also “it happens to all couples, I’m fine.”
Our recurrent miscarriage and infertility journey has been the elephant in our lives for so long that frankly, I’m sick of pretending like real life things aren’t happening. It’s really easy to paint a portrait of perfection on the internet, and specifically social media, that can be so damaging.
We’ve done every test, every blood draw, egg analysis, semen analysis, failed fertility treatments, special diets, natural approaches, specialists in just about every corner of the country, and yet…here we are. And honestly, we are exhausted after dedicating so much time and energy.
In this last loss, we did find out that my body is not capable of carrying a baby to term, which has added both a sense of closure and compounded loss this time.
It brings complicated emotions to the table when you step back and realize that your life looks a lot different than how you ever imagined and it’s a lot to take in when you realize that the options left on the table are not your first choice. Stopping to re-assess a life plan you thought was so solid will rock you to your core.
In writing this post, my only hope is that if this resonates with any of you, or you’re reading this on your phone by yourself because you can’t sleep at 2AM and you’ve exhausted every online message board that exists, I see you, and I hear you, because I am you.