If You Really Knew Me…

These posts are catching on. And not catching on like, oh, that’s cute…I think I’ll do it. No, I mean catching on like those bubble necklaces. I promise you, one day I’ll stop harping on this–but not before I stop seeing them every daggone place I go. The post office this morning? Yep, you betcha. One mom, two bubble necklaces. GTFOutta here.

Okay, so if there’s one trend I can stand behind it’s bloggers being real with their readers. I don’t want to go to your website and read about how awesome your life is and how every morning you piss glitter and unicorns bring you your coffee. That doesn’t happen and even the most perfect people–ahem, Chrissy Teigen–stub their toe and swear out loud every once in awhile.

So, if you really knew me…

..you’d know that I swear like a sailor. Though, I’ve never quite understood this saying, because the one and only time I’ve ever come in contact with a sailor was at Pearl Harbor and they were working. PRETTY sure if they came up to me all “Keep your F**** hands in the boat, B****”–they would have had a one way ticket to unemployment. So from now on, I swear like me. ‘Cause I do.

..you’d know that I have an irrational fear of snakes and any bug who decides to invade the house. But really, I can’t even ball up a wad of paper towels and kill them. I immediately go for the bleach spray–go big or go home, right?

..you’d know I can’t stand how much I shed. My hair is EVERYWHERE. It drives me absolutely insane. I could clean my bathroom floor every single day and still find strands of hair. If I see a hair on my pillow? I have to immediately pick it off and put it in the trashcan. Obsessive, I know.

..you’d know I’m afraid of the dark and taking showers when I’m home alone. Every single noise means they’ve killed my dog so it can’t alert me and the invaders are on their way for me next. God, I sound like a psycho, but don’t pretend you’re not the same way!

..you’d know I can never put my phone down. I’m paranoid I’ll miss something–says a lot about my dedication to my career in communications.

..you’d know I love my family, food, and football–in that order.

..you’d know I have had my wedding planned since I was old enough to draw.

..you’d know that I am obsessed with my dog. Any dog–or Lab–owner can relate. They’re part of the family and that’s that.

Without sounding all “well, know you know more about me..have a jolly good day..”…Yeah.